A story about a little man doomed to fail

by Emanuel

It’s 8 AM. School starts as usual, little kids crowd themselves to enter their classes. They seem happy but naïve, like they go to a place where they will be understood and guided. I can feel their fresh minds yearning for intellectual freedom, they believe in a higher authority in school. I? I am an atheist when it comes to authority. I can see a teacher coming towards the main building, he is in a hurry I guess, all teachers have to be in a hurry, or at least they seem to be. He just finished his cigarette while being in the school yard, I guess teachers are allowed to…they are theywe are we, they are the masters who make the rules, we are just little puppets. We are expected to behave as the “state thinks we should”, we should serve our country by listening to teachers, when a teacher smokes in the school its normal, but if we follow his example we are outcasts, we are ostracizedwe remain the same we…always late, always stupid and always not ready to understand the world around us.

The English class started, I was late again…”Oh lord!” I said to myself. „I am so dead…from now on I am not the same citizen anymore…I made a teacher wait for me for a minute, I will be an outcast and I will be ostracized…I will be the big them…the Them who are always an example for bad behavior, the Them who will always be the un-citizens because they are late…they are not in a hurry like the Teachers are.”

As I enter the room I see the teacher, she seems to be in a good mood. I excuse myself and I proceed to my desk. Walking between the desks I feel the torture I deserve, my classmates look at me in disappointment, they look at me with superiority…I am late, they are not…and then I notice…something strange is happening, my classmates are writing something and they look at me like priests from the inquisition waiting for the convict to write his heresies, his crimes… they don’t want to upset the Big Brother who is always watching, he sees us from his desk in the teachers room…the security camera is recording, HE is watching us again…and he wants to see good citizens, students that write what they are told, students who dress as they are told and students that think and behave like they are told…

And then I notice on the black board…”English test today! Comment the following statement: You cannot have an opinion about truth!”. Now I understand why everyone seems so dead, they write what the modern days whisper inside their souls…they need to be quite so they can listen to themselves thinking about what truth is and how an opinion MUST be stated. They now are like they SHOULD be, now they do what is normal…they write on a sheet of paper in a test…they are the big WE, listening to “THEY criticizing our little group composed of THEM…the outcasts and ostracized. I need to be that too, I have to be that…I have to believe I am if I want to get a good grade…And who doesn’t want a good grade? Grades reflect who we really are! Grades reflect if we must be disposed of and treated like animals or if we deserve to serve the world as doctors, politicians, priests etc…Grades are our mighty gods!

So I begin to write: The truth is telling someone he or she is wrong and they are angry with you. The truth is when you say to yourself you are not that stupid. The truth is when you see yourself in the mirror and say: „I am going to die someday! People will forget me! I am unimportant! A generation dies and another inherits the land! Vanities of vanities everything is Vanity!”…I feel sorry for myself, I need to state what truth is but I cannot, something is pulling me down, like demons clinging to my neck…I look forward and I see…the blackboard, whispering to me…it tells me that she is like a black hole…and I don’t have anything to do but to sink in it…it promises me good ideas, it promises a world where there are no ostracizing and outcasts, a world where everyone is free, a world where teachers do not hurry and Big Brother

I look at the teacher too, she is a butterfly too, she just stands there…waving her wings and stares at me. She looks at me with such a curiosity it almost kills me. What if she thinks I am cheating for staring at Lucian? Is she seeing me as a butterfly? And if so, what kind of butterfly? Dead or alive?

I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know! I want to scream in the class, break the silence with a stupid question: “Teacher? Do you see me as a butterfly too? A beautiful one?…but then she tells me in her butterfly speech…”Pop that pretty question of yours! Write the essay…I know what are you thinking…remember about power and control…”.She scares me again, I feel alone in the world…and the security camera is recording, if feels just as a black and white face on a recording tape, that’s what they want me to be…an ID, a statistic and a fading recording of a human being… I need to escape…I need to sink in the final layer of existence. I need to leave behind the world of butterflies, the black hole is calling me again, it asks me to join her in her realm of existence and I go…I am now in the little spot that is what was known as the school, students, me, you, The world or the Universe…now I feel like I exist…I now see people from outside, I moved inwards just to get outward…I feel like a god, I am outside of existence while existing…I now see the past, the present and the future…the teacher is just another me disguised as someone else, Lucian is just me writing the test Big Brother wants him to, and I am also the Big Brother…I am everything that was or will be…I am the existence itself, I am freedom and slavery…I am the present and I am the past…I see people die and people who are born, one after another…Death itself exists because I want ’her’ to exist…And then it gets to me…

I am beginning to understand the task. Now .And I write on the paper with beautiful little letters: If the world wants a religion where you just answer and don’t ask, then I just don’t care! I want to be the dissident priest and yes, I want to be burned at the stake for that!.

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